Week One Down...

I decided it would be beneificial for me to keep a good record on how the antidepressants are reacting in my system.

Week One: I feel very abscent minded. I am having a hard time concentrating and have lost my purse several times today. It never moved. Not once. I am struggling with words which has never been a problem with me.

I'm not as quick to yell so far. Maybe that's just the placebo affect though. Hmmm...

My appetite has been surpressed. I'll take that. haha!

I am exhausted and foggy brained. Hopefully that clears up.

Tonight I up my dosage. I'm a little nervous but if I notice the mental fog is too strong and I struggle more with my concentration more so I will call my family practitioner. I have a follow up in another week or two anyway.

Follow Up

So I wanted to update real quickly for my own self and posterity that I never did start the zoloft like I had promised myself I would. I did REALLY well for several months but then started slipping again. Today I went and visited with my family practitioner and am full of anxiety. Once again I was prescribed a low-dose anti-depressant/ anti-anxiety.

The difference this time is that I actually took my first one this evening.

Hopefully this will help my relationship with Shaylee.

Today Was Hard...

Today was a hard day. One of the hardest I have had in a long while. Shaylee broke my heart for the first time today. Three years old and she already has the power to break me. I love this little girl with all of me. So much. So much. She is the epitome of spirited. The epitome of stubborn.

Shaylee has the most amazing laugh if you can get her to laugh. It is very husky and full sounding. Her eyes light up and her face splits in half. She throws her back and laughs with vigor. I adore her laugh, and enjoy making her do it.

The thing though, is that at three ... she already is set in her personality. She is a very cautious child. Very shy and doesn't let people in easily. Her best friend is Aiden- he is her champion and she mimic's everything that he does and says. This brightens my soul. Aiden is also her worst enemy at times. She has a switch that can flip at the blink of an eye. She will laugh one second and then flip on to full on attack mode.

This is what makes my days so difficult.

I know some of this is personality, but most of it is her age. She is only three ... but thinks she is Aiden's age. They are a year and a half apart yet are the exact same weight and height. She is a four and a half year old. But not really. This is where the frustration is stemming from. Her communication was a little behind to begin with, but now that she is speaking very well she is coming across other road blocks in her development. Not because she is late... but because she wants and YEARNS to be where her brother is. And Aiden doesn't understand that she isn't either.

Aiden is a very bright four year old. But not only is he older and thinks that they are the same... he is a boy. His development into becoming a little boy from a toddler is so obvious right now. Today he asked me if he was going to school today. I didn't even know he knew school existed, much less what day it started. I had to break the news that he doesn't get to go until next year. Maybe choosing not to enroll them into preschool was a mistake.

Today I sat with them and did an hour of "preschool" all by ourselves. I have a lot to work on patience wise. I see a lot of me in Aiden. I was/ am? dyslexic but was taught how to overcome it by third grade. I think my son may be dyslexic. I NEED to remember this as I work with him daily on our studies. Not get mad at him... but be more understanding. Why am I struggling with this? WHY?

I love him so much too. He is a pleaser. He TRIES to make me laugh and happy. And I do laugh, but I need to laugh more. He really does enjoy sitting with me and learning how to write. I didn't even know he could hold a pen properly... and write?! He can write if I give him something to copy. Wow. I really missed out on the preschool coop because of the move and having Lyndi. I commend the other mom's that did such a great job with him. My little boy wrote a four today! And a six! And  a five!!! It makes my heart smile. His four was backwards and I found out his five was supposed to be a two... but that's what makes watching his learn so fun. Also what makes me know I need to really zone in on his one on one education with me.

I am his mother. I have the power to help him succeed.

Shaylee really enjoyed coloring with us. I worked with her too... but her mommy-made worksheets were a little different from Aiden's. I want her to be exposed, but I am not going to push. She knows her ABC's when pointed out, but she won't perform under pressure. So I think I will keep it a game with her... fun time to learn with brother and mommy.

Lyndi is funny. She just sat in her high chair and played with some baby snacks the entire hour. She really is my easy one right now. Josh actually said for the first time yesterday that he believes we are done having children.

Part of me is relieved by this revelation. But part of me is really sad too. Like we might be missing out on another amazing little person up there. I just know and have been inspired that right now is just NOT that time. Josh is afraid that Lyndi is going to be just as spirited as Aiden and Shaylee. If that is the case, then she will probably be our last. I love all three so much... but mentally I can only take so much. Being a mommy is hard work. I think having a career would be much easier to be honest. There's so much repsonsibility here in the home... and if my children grow up messed up- that's on me. Not some day care. Nope, me.

I hope my children know I do love them. That Shaylee knows I am being firm with her for her own good. Not that I am trying to take away a part of her by bending her will or whatever. She needs to learn to obey rules and have respect. Those ARE the fundamentals of life. She won't succeed with out those fundamentals. I will continue to work with her... and continue to LOVE and ADORE her... but I think I need to up the words of affirmation with her. More hugging. More mommy/ sissy time. I think that should help.

And then maybe she will want to be my little friend again. Because I sure miss her loving on me and thinking I am her World. Three is too young to not want her mama anymore.

Living Little Miracles in a Big Way

This last week has been filled with miracles and a new understanding of my Heavenly Father's love for me and my wee ones. It is amazing how fragile life is and how easily we can pass from this life and onto the next with every thing we do. It is a scary World out there.

Last Sunday I went to a friend's house to chit chat and rummage through some things she was getting ready to ship off to Goodwill. It had been awhile since we saw one another so I knew it would be a couple of hours. Before leaving I decided to change out of my Sunday clothing and get comfortable in my casual wear. I hadn't even realized that I had gone the day with out wearing my garment top. (This is a special article of clothing that symbolizes promises/ covenants made by me to Heavenly Father inside the LDS temple.) At the moment I didn't think anything of it except that I was glad I changed before leaving to drive to another town.

I really enjoyed talking with my friend Beth and eating her blueberry bran muffins. As it grew later we bid our farewells and I left for home. As I got onto the highway I pulled up behind a small red truck at a red light. This small truck was holding a fairly large patio set, with chairs stacked inside of it. Everything looked nice and smug, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that this did not look good.

                                                               
Moving out of the 35 mph speed zone and accelerating onto the highway speeds (and above) I headed for home going 60 mph. I shook off my paranoid thoughts as anxiety over driving on this particular highway. I hate driving and with the more children I have the more I hate it. That is that, so I turned on my radio and tuned into my favorite pop station. Singing and dreaming about what I was going to do with my new-to-me bins time all of a sudden slowed.

It took me a milisecond to fully understand and take in what was happening in front of me. Heavy metal chairs were being lifted up from the bed of the truck and flying all over the highway. Between the speed the truck was going and the impacts the chairs made with the pavement it was hard to discern where to drive without having one go through my windshield. One of the chairs even bounced into oncoming traffic.

In less then a second the highway was in chaos.

I am amazed with how calmly I was able stear through the mess. With how lucky I was and am that there wasn't a collision. So many things could have happened in that moment that didn't because of a still small voice that guided me through.

After I passed through the maze my body began to shake uncontrollably. I couldn't stop thinking about that one particular chair that was bound right for my car. How it hit and bounced back up going towards me. How it rolled and flipped. How a second chair veered right towards an oncoming car. How the little red truck slammed on his brakes from 60 mph with a line of cars behind him. How the horrible sound of the car behind me made as we all consequently slammed on our brakes. And how slow it seemed to happen while the entire time I knew how to navigate this ever changing obstacle course.

I began to cry.

I sobbed and wiped my eyes a hundred times before pulling into my drive way that night. I walked into the house and saw my husband standing in the kitchen, holding my 6 month old baby.

"I was wondering when you were going to get home," he said. "I was getting ready to call you."

Walking towards him and feeling his arms struggle to hug me with our squirming little Lyndi I told him what happened.

Having this happen to me a week ago, I feel that I have been extra sensitive to the Spirit. But in this short week having a patio set fly towards my big blonde head was not the only scary thing to happen. Yesterday I had a completely different experience that didn't directly impact me, but my son.

A group of us mom friends have been enjoying the heat together cooling off in the rivers and small lakes in our area.

It has been such a treat to beat the heat playing in all that nature has to offer us. But there is a double edge sword with nature.

It can be dangerous.

Yesterday while sitting on the beach I kept making sure I knew where Aiden and Shaylee were at all times. Aiden was playing up on the beach with an older girl, maybe 8? He seemed to be having a good time and every time I turned around, his funny little personality would make me smile.

Sitting on the shore keeping watch of Shaylee in the water I instantly felt a feeling of terror that I couldn't understand. I turned around to see if Aiden was okay up on the beach and realized I couldn't see him. My heart grew tight. The spirit was strong but I didn't understand why. As my throat closed around the panic as I scanned the lake shore for my blonde headed little boy.

I could not find my son.

Getting up to start marching the shore I heard my friend Felicia call out to me. Quickly turning towards her voice I saw her half carry, half drag my son towards shore. He had a look of stunned horror on his face. As she handed him over to me he started to cry. Heart wrenching sobs.

"Mommy... the water was too deep. It was scary mommy. Oh mama....."

I held him tight in my arms as Felicia explained to me that she saw a little boy playing with an older girl. He was plugging his nose, coming up and going under as if he was having a good time. As she focused in harder she realized that it was Aiden... and that he in fact was not playing. He was struggling. The girl had led him into deeper water not realizing he was quite a bit shorter than her. Felicia continued to tell me that the girl just stared at him... and when she called out to the girl, she finally pushed Aiden. Aiden was still in control at that point, but began to panic as Felicia got to him.

I held my son.

I hugged him.

I kissed his cheeks.

I don't know if what I felt was the Spirit calling out to me, or if it was my connection as a mother to my son... but I do know that I am so very grateful for my friend. I don't know if I would have spotted him in time and would rather not think about "what if's."

I do know that these two small events have taught me a valuable lesson and I will try not to take my life and that of my loved ones for granted.

Our entire World can change in the blink of an eye.

Don't forget to tell your husband you love him, every day.

Don't forget to hug, kiss, and tickle your children every day... several times a day!

Don't forget to listen to your heart and give a far away loved one or friend a phone call.

Because the truth is... We don't know if we will get the opportunity to do it again.

Love a mother- who is ever so grateful for miracles.

April 2012

April 2012 was our very first Easter alone as a family for the first time. I was home sick and did miss being around family, but we did have a lot of fun. :) Aiden and Shaylee enjoyed an easter egg hunt at the church and then daddy made them one in our backyard on that Sunday as well. Lulu was so cute in Shaylee's baby christmas dress. It amazes me how much larger Lyndi is then my others were and she definitely is keeping up with that facade as well! :)

And then of course we had to make our own Easter dinner! It was actually very good. The only sad part was on our way home from the store Josh put our pie on the seat that was folded down. So when we stopped the first time... it flew off and pretty much made a mucky mess. It still tasted fantastic though! :)

I thought I should also document that the kids and I worked on some silly projects. They had a blast decorating their little boxes that I made for them.

Sometime in the middle of the month we made it home to Ephrata to introduce Lyndi to Josh's family. At 9 weeks we thought it was time we drive over there since so many couldn't make it our way to meet her.

Shaylee fell asleep in Great Grandma Lila's chair during our big dinner. :)

The first night there Josh and I went on a date with Lulu... She's such a chunky monkey, isn't she? HAHA!

And here are some Lyndi facts: She was talking/ chirping with me really well at 8-9 weeks. She started blowing razberries when she wanted attention around now too. She smiled at two months and rolled from belly to back at three weeks. She rolled from back to belly at 9 weeks. :)

ps. Our computer crashed because of a dirty thrasher worm virus and I lost everything picture wise so some of these are blurry because they were saved from my facebook networking site. I was heartbroken and cried. But at least I have the blurry versions!

Lyndi is a Month!

My big little baby is already a month old! Holy cow! I guess in this daze of being permanently exhausted I have lost a LOT of time. She is quite the cute chubba and is developing really quickly. I guess she is taking after her big sister.

Lyndi rolled from her belly to back on her three week birthday. She has even rolled from her back to her tummy- but only once.

She smile a real smile at three weeks as well.

She pretty much held her head from the moment she came out with her chubby monster cheeks!

She sports a natural grown mohawk. It's pretty freaking awesome if you ask me. ;)

She's 11 lbs. and 4 oz. and 22.75 inches long. 95th percentile! Her head however is only in the 50th. My babies all have such tiny heads for babies! It's cute though.

And some pictures of her- of course!

Sad Round Little Circle...

I went to my OB yesterday and talked to him a little about what has been going on. He said that what I am feeling can be postpartum depression or even still just regular baby blues. And then I told him how I REALLY have been feeling. I don't know why people hold back the truth, especially from a professional that is there to help. Maybe it's the stigma associated with feeling depressed but I felt ashamed of the hard truth- I'm angry all the time.

Do you remember that commercial YEARS ago about the sad, round, white little circle that would roll around feeling sorry for itself. It was such a sad commercial but my sister and I would make fun of it. WHAT THE HECK IS THIS COMMERCIAL ABOUT? I thought it was such a bogus advertisement because everything they asked the viewer was so broad that it included everyone in the realm of what it was trying to "sell."

Or so I thought.

Well... I have been prescribed a low dose of this sad little circle, otherwise known as Zoloft. My doctor said that I could be on it from 3 months to 9. I was actually quite surprised. I guess along with the stereotype of antidepressants comes the falsehood that you will be stuck on them for a long time.

Well... today is the first day. Here goes nothing!

PPD

After I have had every child I have gotten a pretty bad case of postpartum depression. I know this about myself and so am going to take control of it now before it consumes me. I just got off the phone with my OB and will probably be put on temporary meds. This scares me... the idea of taking medicine to help make me happy is a little worrisome. Especially when the side effects are so horrible. But the way I see it this time is that it just is not fair to Aiden and Shaylee if I go down that pit of hell again. They are both at an age that they are understanding when mommy isn't feeling well or is sad all day and it is affecting them.

So this is me taking control.

I love my children and want to feel happy when I wake up in the morning. This is for them.

Adjusting to Life...

Life with a third little baby has been quite the adjustment. Not so much because we've added another little person to the family, but mostly because the older two are always fighting for our attention. They both adore their baby sister so much. It is a constant battle between who gets to hold the baby.

Shaylee is quite the little mommy. It is amazing to see how much love this little girl fosters for her sister. She is always making sure her "baby doll" has her "baba" and is happy. And by baba, she mean's binky because Lyndi is only breastfed.

Aiden is a little warm/ cold with the baby. He adores her. He protects her and is always looking out for her... but he also shy's away when he is feeling excluded or neglected. At least we can read him like a book and know when it is time to have some one on one time with him (and with the baby too). When Lyndi cries he will run and get me. He tells me she is scared, or that she is sad. It really is quite sweet. Or when we are getting ready to leave and she is all bundled up in her car seat he yells for me to not "forget the baby Lyndi!" haha! He also tries to pick her up. This part scares me, but he's so gentle with her. He makes sure to support her head but I still stay on him 24/7!

Aiden and Shaylee have had fun seeing their cousin Emma more often as of late. Having two little babies enter the Hansen family has been exciting and a great excuse to get together!

Baby Grace got blessed this weekend! She was so pretty!

Recently both of my parents have undergone some serious medical procedures. It has almost been a year since I have seen them, but they were able to fly up for Grace's baby blessing and to meet Lyndi! They adored her! The first thing my mom said was "Who's little Eskimo baby do you got in your arms?" :) She is a little ethnic looking, isn't she?! haha!

Aiden and Shaylee both remembered and LOVED having their Meema and Peepa stay with us.

Yesterday I got some crazy itch to take pictures of the kids. Lyndi is now 3 and a half weeks old and is developing very quickly. She started rolling from her tummy to her back at 3 weeks and began smiling on Saturday. Where on earth has the time gone? Why do my babies develop so quickly??? :( I think the thought of her potentially being our last baby is making more nostalgic about all the little things that Lyndi does. She is such a sweet baby and I am so grateful to have her in our lives.

****************

Aiden and Shaylee are both hams in front of the camera!

Lyndi was quite angry the entire time. This picture makes me laugh. It looks like they're on a roller coaster... haha!

So other then feeling a little lonely and still healing from her delivery I think everything is adjusting smoothly. Doesn't Lyndi look like she just walked off of the set of an 80's aerobics movie?

Go baby go!

Baby Lyndi's Birth Story...

Lyndi is here... and she is huge! :) For a quick look I will just spat out her stats and then I will continue on with the labor story for journalistic purposes.

Born February 9th at 10:26 pm. 9 lbs. 12 oz's. and 21.75 inches long. My biggest bubba yet! (More pictures at bottom!)

***************** (This is the child birthing story... so don't read if "blood" offends!)

At my 41'ish week appointment we thought for sure that I had progressed further along towards labor. The week before my doctor had told me that I was now 2 cm and 80% efaced. Woo hoo! So when I came in ready to pop with our bags all packed and my OB said that I was 2 cm and 50% efaced I was completely and utterly disappointed. So we scheduled our induction date and walked out of the office frustrated and exhausted.

Boy had I forgotten what REAL labor felt like, and let me tell you! This was the worst labor experience I have ever had! My big bubba made me work for her, and work hard I did.

Thursday morning at 1:30 a.m. I woke up to horrible cramp like contractions. With my other two children, whenever I had a contraction it was in my upper stomach. I never experienced cramps like this before. I also never bled before that I am aware of. (You know, before it "counts.") When I got up to use the bathroom for the zillionth time that night/ morning I turned on the bathroom light and freaked out. Apparently I was witnessing "bloody show" but in my mind I was bleeding to death. Another contraction happened and the wind was knocked completely out of me. I woke Josh up and ordered him to load the kids up in the van.

You know that expression: running around like a chicken with it's head chopped off? This was me. I ran up and down the hall way at least four times scrambling and forgetting what I was trying to do. Finally I remembered to grab the phone and called triage. She said that I should come in and get checked since it was my third delivery. I then called several women (each of them several times since it was 1:15 in the morning!) and didn't have any luck. I started to freak out and shake a little but then- ta da! One of my new friends in our new community called me back! And so we headed out.

We dropped Aiden and Shaylee off with Terrance and Jacki Keenan. They were such huge blessings to us in more ways then one that morning/ day. Not only did they open their home to our children, but they just had their third child as well. I'm sure they were exhausted.

We got to the hospital after 2 in the morning and they kept me for two hours. I was still 2 cm's and still only 50% efaced. My contractions were hitting HARD but only 10 minutes apart so they sent me home. I was miserable and angry because we live almost an hour away from the hospital, but nothing was happening labor wise other then HORRID contractions.

We arrived at the Keenan's house just after 5 a.m. to pick our kiddo's back up and Jacki brought up having a priesthood blessing. I was 5 days over due, huge, the baby was still posterior, and still hadn't moved down at all. Terrance and Josh gave me a blessing and it gave me a lot of peace. I was so worried about Lyndi going into distress. My labor with my son was fairly similar (except for how strong the contractions were) and he had gone into distress, passing meconium inside me twice.

After the blessing we continued home.

Around 10 a.m. I called my OB's office and talked to the on call nurse. The contractions had gotten even harder however weren't any more consistent. I had one while on the phone and she said that she was going to call me back in an hour to see how I was doing. When she did call back I was in tears- however not any more consistent. She told me to come on in.

Annoyed with the entire situation and stressed out about the prospect of being sent home AGAIN I decided to take my time. I took a long HOT bath and just soaked. Then we slowly got the kid's things together again and made our way back over to Jackie's house. Between the chaos of the contractions and the excitement of the kids we forgot to give Jackie their backpacks with clothes and diapers (for Shaylee). DOH! haha!

Around 1:30 pm. we were sent back into triage where a new nurse set us up in bed to be monitored. After a quick internal check she told me I was 3 cm and 80% efaced.

THE WORST WORDS EVER.

I told her that we lived far away and that I was concerned about the baby since she still hadn't engaged at all. I also asked if there was anything we can do so that I don't get sent home again. I was BEGGING for pitocin at this point. She told me that she'd keep me another hour and check me again. By the time she came back my contractions were hitting every 3 minutes and were 2 minutes long. The were so hard I was struggling to keep my composure. I had already been up for about 14 hours and was exhausted. Josh was an amazing birthing partner and worked really hard at making sure I continued to breath. When she checked me between the contractions (and actually right through the middle of one!) she said that I was now a 5 and that she would call the patient delivery/ maternity ward and have me admitted.

AMAZING! AWESOME! Tears immediately sprung to my eyes... and then another contraction hit.

I have always been against any type of mind altering drug to relieve pain. Not for any other reason other than I know me, and know that I would lose control if I wasn't completely in control of my own mind. The nurse asked me twice if I wanted something to take the edge off before my new nurse could bring me to our delivery room. Both times I said no. The third time she asked- I said, "BRING IT ON!"

Talk about mind bending. Immediately I fell asleep. But was rudely woken up to another contraction. I did this for a little under an hour and then the contractions were so fast between each other I became the screaming lady in the other room.

So... a little side note that I forgot to mention! When we were first brought into our monitoring room another laboring mama was wheeled into a room next to me. She was screaming and hollering so much that I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing. She sounded ridiculous. She was quickly taken away and probably had her baby pretty quick.

So what goes around comes around. I became the VERY woman I was making fun of. But when it was MY turn... it wasn't funny anymore! When I labored with my first two, it hurt, but I was able to breath through the contractions and then laugh about it afterward. This time everything was so different. I was ready to hyperventilate and I thought my body was tearing in half.

By the time they wheeled me to the elevator to be brought upstairs I was so overwhelmed I was a sobbing mess. I didn't have time to stand or sit before another contraction would hit. Once I was in my room they checked me again and I was a solid 8 cm's. The anesthesiologist came in ready to go but because of how often my contractions were she had to try two times to get it in. And even then it only numbed my right leg and stomach. But that's okay. I took WHAT EVER pain relief I could get.

The doctor came in once I was settled back into bed and checked me again. I was 9 cm's with my water still intact. Baby still was posterior and still hadn't moved down. The doctor then decided to do an emergency C-section on someone else and said he would be back in 30 minutes. Apparently the lady that had to have the C-section was in the same situation I was in concerning the baby. No movement down. This scared me but I remembered my blessing from earlier and felt comforted.

He came back in at around 10 pm and broke my water. The nurse had me push just for the fun of it and guess what. Lyndi turned the way she needed to so that she could move down. She was no longer posterior! And that one push brought her ALL the way down! The nurse ran and grabbed the doctor and the fun began!

I wasn't really prepared to feel the pushing and crowning. I had assumed that the epidural would all of a sudden numb my pelvic floor even though I still felt the really hard contractions. However that was not the case. I can honestly say that the only thing that helped me through those lousy 5 minutes was the fact that I had watched my sister give birth only 6 weeks before and had helped coach her through the pushing/ crowning of her daughter. That gave me the confidence to know that if I tried my hardest- it would end faster! And so I did. Lyndi Marie was born after less than 5 minutes of pushing. In my mind I was screaming as I was pushing, like an insane woman! But Josh told me he was so proud of me. He said I didn't scream ever. Talk about going to my "happy" place, eh?

As she was starting to crown the doctor kind of let out a little bit of a whistle as he announced that she was NOT going to be an 8 pound baby! Josh then started to laugh as he yelled out that she was "ALL CHEEKS AND NO FOREHEAD!!!"

And then the pain was no more.

She was out!

They immediately handed me her blue body, for she hadn't even cried yet. I grabbed her up and remember asking the doctor several times why she wasn't crying. Slowly she would yelp here and there and her coloring started to come in. My HUGE baby, Lyndi Marie came out just as lazy has she did living inside me. She does things on HER time and her time alone. :)

We have video and pictures of the entire experience. I look back at them and smile ear to ear. It was such a traumatic process from start to finish- but was SO amazing afterward. Not even my amazing delivery of Shaylee was this good at the end. I was euphoric and proud... and in love.

^All pictures above were taken at the hospital...

v One week birthday....

She is such an amazing baby. She eats a TON and then sleeps for hours for the most part. She's still my lazy baby but is so cute. She has such a sweet little cry when you pick her up from one of her raging screams. It's like a little whimper sigh of relief that only I can incite.

Shaylee calls Lyndi, her baby doll. And Aiden calls her baby Lyndi.

Several people have mentioned how different she looks from my other two, and I giggle a little bit. The truth is, she is a spitting image of Aiden AND Shaylee...

Today is Lyndi's 2 week birthday... and I am still enamored by her and her spirit. I am so grateful to finally have her in my arms and thank the Lord every day for the opportunity to be her mommy!