Today Was Hard...

Today was a hard day. One of the hardest I have had in a long while. Shaylee broke my heart for the first time today. Three years old and she already has the power to break me. I love this little girl with all of me. So much. So much. She is the epitome of spirited. The epitome of stubborn.

Shaylee has the most amazing laugh if you can get her to laugh. It is very husky and full sounding. Her eyes light up and her face splits in half. She throws her back and laughs with vigor. I adore her laugh, and enjoy making her do it.

The thing though, is that at three ... she already is set in her personality. She is a very cautious child. Very shy and doesn't let people in easily. Her best friend is Aiden- he is her champion and she mimic's everything that he does and says. This brightens my soul. Aiden is also her worst enemy at times. She has a switch that can flip at the blink of an eye. She will laugh one second and then flip on to full on attack mode.

This is what makes my days so difficult.

I know some of this is personality, but most of it is her age. She is only three ... but thinks she is Aiden's age. They are a year and a half apart yet are the exact same weight and height. She is a four and a half year old. But not really. This is where the frustration is stemming from. Her communication was a little behind to begin with, but now that she is speaking very well she is coming across other road blocks in her development. Not because she is late... but because she wants and YEARNS to be where her brother is. And Aiden doesn't understand that she isn't either.

Aiden is a very bright four year old. But not only is he older and thinks that they are the same... he is a boy. His development into becoming a little boy from a toddler is so obvious right now. Today he asked me if he was going to school today. I didn't even know he knew school existed, much less what day it started. I had to break the news that he doesn't get to go until next year. Maybe choosing not to enroll them into preschool was a mistake.

Today I sat with them and did an hour of "preschool" all by ourselves. I have a lot to work on patience wise. I see a lot of me in Aiden. I was/ am? dyslexic but was taught how to overcome it by third grade. I think my son may be dyslexic. I NEED to remember this as I work with him daily on our studies. Not get mad at him... but be more understanding. Why am I struggling with this? WHY?

I love him so much too. He is a pleaser. He TRIES to make me laugh and happy. And I do laugh, but I need to laugh more. He really does enjoy sitting with me and learning how to write. I didn't even know he could hold a pen properly... and write?! He can write if I give him something to copy. Wow. I really missed out on the preschool coop because of the move and having Lyndi. I commend the other mom's that did such a great job with him. My little boy wrote a four today! And a six! And  a five!!! It makes my heart smile. His four was backwards and I found out his five was supposed to be a two... but that's what makes watching his learn so fun. Also what makes me know I need to really zone in on his one on one education with me.

I am his mother. I have the power to help him succeed.

Shaylee really enjoyed coloring with us. I worked with her too... but her mommy-made worksheets were a little different from Aiden's. I want her to be exposed, but I am not going to push. She knows her ABC's when pointed out, but she won't perform under pressure. So I think I will keep it a game with her... fun time to learn with brother and mommy.

Lyndi is funny. She just sat in her high chair and played with some baby snacks the entire hour. She really is my easy one right now. Josh actually said for the first time yesterday that he believes we are done having children.

Part of me is relieved by this revelation. But part of me is really sad too. Like we might be missing out on another amazing little person up there. I just know and have been inspired that right now is just NOT that time. Josh is afraid that Lyndi is going to be just as spirited as Aiden and Shaylee. If that is the case, then she will probably be our last. I love all three so much... but mentally I can only take so much. Being a mommy is hard work. I think having a career would be much easier to be honest. There's so much repsonsibility here in the home... and if my children grow up messed up- that's on me. Not some day care. Nope, me.

I hope my children know I do love them. That Shaylee knows I am being firm with her for her own good. Not that I am trying to take away a part of her by bending her will or whatever. She needs to learn to obey rules and have respect. Those ARE the fundamentals of life. She won't succeed with out those fundamentals. I will continue to work with her... and continue to LOVE and ADORE her... but I think I need to up the words of affirmation with her. More hugging. More mommy/ sissy time. I think that should help.

And then maybe she will want to be my little friend again. Because I sure miss her loving on me and thinking I am her World. Three is too young to not want her mama anymore.

April 2012

April 2012 was our very first Easter alone as a family for the first time. I was home sick and did miss being around family, but we did have a lot of fun. :) Aiden and Shaylee enjoyed an easter egg hunt at the church and then daddy made them one in our backyard on that Sunday as well. Lulu was so cute in Shaylee's baby christmas dress. It amazes me how much larger Lyndi is then my others were and she definitely is keeping up with that facade as well! :)

And then of course we had to make our own Easter dinner! It was actually very good. The only sad part was on our way home from the store Josh put our pie on the seat that was folded down. So when we stopped the first time... it flew off and pretty much made a mucky mess. It still tasted fantastic though! :)

I thought I should also document that the kids and I worked on some silly projects. They had a blast decorating their little boxes that I made for them.

Sometime in the middle of the month we made it home to Ephrata to introduce Lyndi to Josh's family. At 9 weeks we thought it was time we drive over there since so many couldn't make it our way to meet her.

Shaylee fell asleep in Great Grandma Lila's chair during our big dinner. :)

The first night there Josh and I went on a date with Lulu... She's such a chunky monkey, isn't she? HAHA!

And here are some Lyndi facts: She was talking/ chirping with me really well at 8-9 weeks. She started blowing razberries when she wanted attention around now too. She smiled at two months and rolled from belly to back at three weeks. She rolled from back to belly at 9 weeks. :)

ps. Our computer crashed because of a dirty thrasher worm virus and I lost everything picture wise so some of these are blurry because they were saved from my facebook networking site. I was heartbroken and cried. But at least I have the blurry versions!

Sad Round Little Circle...

I went to my OB yesterday and talked to him a little about what has been going on. He said that what I am feeling can be postpartum depression or even still just regular baby blues. And then I told him how I REALLY have been feeling. I don't know why people hold back the truth, especially from a professional that is there to help. Maybe it's the stigma associated with feeling depressed but I felt ashamed of the hard truth- I'm angry all the time.

Do you remember that commercial YEARS ago about the sad, round, white little circle that would roll around feeling sorry for itself. It was such a sad commercial but my sister and I would make fun of it. WHAT THE HECK IS THIS COMMERCIAL ABOUT? I thought it was such a bogus advertisement because everything they asked the viewer was so broad that it included everyone in the realm of what it was trying to "sell."

Or so I thought.

Well... I have been prescribed a low dose of this sad little circle, otherwise known as Zoloft. My doctor said that I could be on it from 3 months to 9. I was actually quite surprised. I guess along with the stereotype of antidepressants comes the falsehood that you will be stuck on them for a long time.

Well... today is the first day. Here goes nothing!

PPD

After I have had every child I have gotten a pretty bad case of postpartum depression. I know this about myself and so am going to take control of it now before it consumes me. I just got off the phone with my OB and will probably be put on temporary meds. This scares me... the idea of taking medicine to help make me happy is a little worrisome. Especially when the side effects are so horrible. But the way I see it this time is that it just is not fair to Aiden and Shaylee if I go down that pit of hell again. They are both at an age that they are understanding when mommy isn't feeling well or is sad all day and it is affecting them.

So this is me taking control.

I love my children and want to feel happy when I wake up in the morning. This is for them.

Baby Lyndi's Birth Story...

Lyndi is here... and she is huge! :) For a quick look I will just spat out her stats and then I will continue on with the labor story for journalistic purposes.

Born February 9th at 10:26 pm. 9 lbs. 12 oz's. and 21.75 inches long. My biggest bubba yet! (More pictures at bottom!)

***************** (This is the child birthing story... so don't read if "blood" offends!)

At my 41'ish week appointment we thought for sure that I had progressed further along towards labor. The week before my doctor had told me that I was now 2 cm and 80% efaced. Woo hoo! So when I came in ready to pop with our bags all packed and my OB said that I was 2 cm and 50% efaced I was completely and utterly disappointed. So we scheduled our induction date and walked out of the office frustrated and exhausted.

Boy had I forgotten what REAL labor felt like, and let me tell you! This was the worst labor experience I have ever had! My big bubba made me work for her, and work hard I did.

Thursday morning at 1:30 a.m. I woke up to horrible cramp like contractions. With my other two children, whenever I had a contraction it was in my upper stomach. I never experienced cramps like this before. I also never bled before that I am aware of. (You know, before it "counts.") When I got up to use the bathroom for the zillionth time that night/ morning I turned on the bathroom light and freaked out. Apparently I was witnessing "bloody show" but in my mind I was bleeding to death. Another contraction happened and the wind was knocked completely out of me. I woke Josh up and ordered him to load the kids up in the van.

You know that expression: running around like a chicken with it's head chopped off? This was me. I ran up and down the hall way at least four times scrambling and forgetting what I was trying to do. Finally I remembered to grab the phone and called triage. She said that I should come in and get checked since it was my third delivery. I then called several women (each of them several times since it was 1:15 in the morning!) and didn't have any luck. I started to freak out and shake a little but then- ta da! One of my new friends in our new community called me back! And so we headed out.

We dropped Aiden and Shaylee off with Terrance and Jacki Keenan. They were such huge blessings to us in more ways then one that morning/ day. Not only did they open their home to our children, but they just had their third child as well. I'm sure they were exhausted.

We got to the hospital after 2 in the morning and they kept me for two hours. I was still 2 cm's and still only 50% efaced. My contractions were hitting HARD but only 10 minutes apart so they sent me home. I was miserable and angry because we live almost an hour away from the hospital, but nothing was happening labor wise other then HORRID contractions.

We arrived at the Keenan's house just after 5 a.m. to pick our kiddo's back up and Jacki brought up having a priesthood blessing. I was 5 days over due, huge, the baby was still posterior, and still hadn't moved down at all. Terrance and Josh gave me a blessing and it gave me a lot of peace. I was so worried about Lyndi going into distress. My labor with my son was fairly similar (except for how strong the contractions were) and he had gone into distress, passing meconium inside me twice.

After the blessing we continued home.

Around 10 a.m. I called my OB's office and talked to the on call nurse. The contractions had gotten even harder however weren't any more consistent. I had one while on the phone and she said that she was going to call me back in an hour to see how I was doing. When she did call back I was in tears- however not any more consistent. She told me to come on in.

Annoyed with the entire situation and stressed out about the prospect of being sent home AGAIN I decided to take my time. I took a long HOT bath and just soaked. Then we slowly got the kid's things together again and made our way back over to Jackie's house. Between the chaos of the contractions and the excitement of the kids we forgot to give Jackie their backpacks with clothes and diapers (for Shaylee). DOH! haha!

Around 1:30 pm. we were sent back into triage where a new nurse set us up in bed to be monitored. After a quick internal check she told me I was 3 cm and 80% efaced.

THE WORST WORDS EVER.

I told her that we lived far away and that I was concerned about the baby since she still hadn't engaged at all. I also asked if there was anything we can do so that I don't get sent home again. I was BEGGING for pitocin at this point. She told me that she'd keep me another hour and check me again. By the time she came back my contractions were hitting every 3 minutes and were 2 minutes long. The were so hard I was struggling to keep my composure. I had already been up for about 14 hours and was exhausted. Josh was an amazing birthing partner and worked really hard at making sure I continued to breath. When she checked me between the contractions (and actually right through the middle of one!) she said that I was now a 5 and that she would call the patient delivery/ maternity ward and have me admitted.

AMAZING! AWESOME! Tears immediately sprung to my eyes... and then another contraction hit.

I have always been against any type of mind altering drug to relieve pain. Not for any other reason other than I know me, and know that I would lose control if I wasn't completely in control of my own mind. The nurse asked me twice if I wanted something to take the edge off before my new nurse could bring me to our delivery room. Both times I said no. The third time she asked- I said, "BRING IT ON!"

Talk about mind bending. Immediately I fell asleep. But was rudely woken up to another contraction. I did this for a little under an hour and then the contractions were so fast between each other I became the screaming lady in the other room.

So... a little side note that I forgot to mention! When we were first brought into our monitoring room another laboring mama was wheeled into a room next to me. She was screaming and hollering so much that I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing. She sounded ridiculous. She was quickly taken away and probably had her baby pretty quick.

So what goes around comes around. I became the VERY woman I was making fun of. But when it was MY turn... it wasn't funny anymore! When I labored with my first two, it hurt, but I was able to breath through the contractions and then laugh about it afterward. This time everything was so different. I was ready to hyperventilate and I thought my body was tearing in half.

By the time they wheeled me to the elevator to be brought upstairs I was so overwhelmed I was a sobbing mess. I didn't have time to stand or sit before another contraction would hit. Once I was in my room they checked me again and I was a solid 8 cm's. The anesthesiologist came in ready to go but because of how often my contractions were she had to try two times to get it in. And even then it only numbed my right leg and stomach. But that's okay. I took WHAT EVER pain relief I could get.

The doctor came in once I was settled back into bed and checked me again. I was 9 cm's with my water still intact. Baby still was posterior and still hadn't moved down. The doctor then decided to do an emergency C-section on someone else and said he would be back in 30 minutes. Apparently the lady that had to have the C-section was in the same situation I was in concerning the baby. No movement down. This scared me but I remembered my blessing from earlier and felt comforted.

He came back in at around 10 pm and broke my water. The nurse had me push just for the fun of it and guess what. Lyndi turned the way she needed to so that she could move down. She was no longer posterior! And that one push brought her ALL the way down! The nurse ran and grabbed the doctor and the fun began!

I wasn't really prepared to feel the pushing and crowning. I had assumed that the epidural would all of a sudden numb my pelvic floor even though I still felt the really hard contractions. However that was not the case. I can honestly say that the only thing that helped me through those lousy 5 minutes was the fact that I had watched my sister give birth only 6 weeks before and had helped coach her through the pushing/ crowning of her daughter. That gave me the confidence to know that if I tried my hardest- it would end faster! And so I did. Lyndi Marie was born after less than 5 minutes of pushing. In my mind I was screaming as I was pushing, like an insane woman! But Josh told me he was so proud of me. He said I didn't scream ever. Talk about going to my "happy" place, eh?

As she was starting to crown the doctor kind of let out a little bit of a whistle as he announced that she was NOT going to be an 8 pound baby! Josh then started to laugh as he yelled out that she was "ALL CHEEKS AND NO FOREHEAD!!!"

And then the pain was no more.

She was out!

They immediately handed me her blue body, for she hadn't even cried yet. I grabbed her up and remember asking the doctor several times why she wasn't crying. Slowly she would yelp here and there and her coloring started to come in. My HUGE baby, Lyndi Marie came out just as lazy has she did living inside me. She does things on HER time and her time alone. :)

We have video and pictures of the entire experience. I look back at them and smile ear to ear. It was such a traumatic process from start to finish- but was SO amazing afterward. Not even my amazing delivery of Shaylee was this good at the end. I was euphoric and proud... and in love.

^All pictures above were taken at the hospital...

v One week birthday....

She is such an amazing baby. She eats a TON and then sleeps for hours for the most part. She's still my lazy baby but is so cute. She has such a sweet little cry when you pick her up from one of her raging screams. It's like a little whimper sigh of relief that only I can incite.

Shaylee calls Lyndi, her baby doll. And Aiden calls her baby Lyndi.

Several people have mentioned how different she looks from my other two, and I giggle a little bit. The truth is, she is a spitting image of Aiden AND Shaylee...

Today is Lyndi's 2 week birthday... and I am still enamored by her and her spirit. I am so grateful to finally have her in my arms and thank the Lord every day for the opportunity to be her mommy!

A Tribute to 2011

Like many of you 2011 has been one heck of a roller coaster ride for my family. I can honestly say it has been the WORST year of my life- HOWEVER! We have also had some of the biggest blessings we have ever experienced this year as well! So here's quick run down (for journaling purposes) of all the bad and good that has brought us to today!

January 2011: Our car broke down while getting ready to enter the freeway. After hundreds of dollars it was determined NOTHING was wrong with it. It broke down again. Same story.

I started working towards turning my hobby of photography into something more lucrative! It worked really well until I had my car accident. I've also grown a lot as an artist and learned more about my own style as a photographer! :)

February 2011:

We traded in our electronically confused car (which was a 2006- it should have never fallen apart like it did on us) and got a 2007 Nissan Quest mini van! With the trade in and what we had to put down on it we got an amazing deal and have loved having it! We even learned that it is a 4-wheedrive which wasn't something we thought we would be able to get in a van for under 20K. YAY US! :)

April 2011: An hour after I turned in my registration for my very first triathlon I got hit head on in an intersection by two teenage girls with my two children in my new (to me) van. Now this is what is so weird about this situation. This horrible experience has actually

turned out to be a huge blessing...

We ended up shelling a lot of money out between our deductible, renting a car, and buying new car seats. I ended up with a lot of soft tissue damage that needed to be cared for for about 4 months. I was still dealing with some basketball injuries, and some left over stuff from training for my triathlon, and the way PT works is they try to fix everything while focusing on the "main" injury. Another blessing!

The owner/ driver of the car decided to get a lawyer and sue me.

As the year progressed it was determined that "little-Miss -can't- pay- the- bills" that hit me with her little car had NO

car insurance. MY insurance determined I wasn't at fault (there were no witnesses which made this really hard since I was turning left (on a green arrow mind you)) because of my character! Yay for being a good mommy with a good driving record!!! haha!

My insurance company is now suing the driver for over 30k in damages. I feel bad for her since it has since gone to collections... hopefully it will be a lesson to her that you NEVER drive w/o insurance on your car... EVER!l

May 2011: I found out I am PREGNANT!!! woo hoo! I was sick for three months. (Not too shabby!) But would have never been able to run in my triathlon because of how sick I was... maybe this was a blessing too??

July: My parents moved to Las Vegas (away from Sylvia and I). We also learned of some serious health issues concerning several members of our families.

August: Josh and I went under contract for our first house that we waited on for several months. It fell through due to legalities we weren't prepared to wait for. Our first lender lost all of our hard copies of our private information. After an awkward decision and many letters begging us to come back to him we found another lender that was amazing.

September: We learned Lyndi may have down's syndrome. Then we learned that she actually might have Trisomy 18 (edwards syndrome).

This was the longest several months of my life. I was heart broken and have never had a stronger testimony. We also learned that she is a little baby girl. We are so excited about having another little baby that we cling to all we have!

October: WHAT AN AMAZING MONTH FOR US! We found out that Lyndi is a healthy amazing little baby! We went under contract with our second home!... and it was an amazing experience!

We got refunded back EVERYTHING that we had put towards the car accident in April. Perfect timing for the buy our home! :)

Also- Josh got a promotion! He's now becoming a Content Lead of his own crew for Run Studio's at Microsoft. I'm so proud of him!

November: We closed on the house and are now officially home owners!

December: We moved into our home! My sister has baby Grace. Due to several different reasons my parents weren't able to come down for Christmas which broke all of our hearts, but Josh's family came up on Christmas eve and spoiled us rotten! We spent our first Christmas in our new house!

Now as you can see there were a lot of hidden blessings in all of our trials. If we had not bought the van when we did my car accident would have been catastrophic for our family. Even though my husband is a penny pincher- having the money tied up with the insurance company until the time we actually needed it in October was so inspired! Having the torment of not knowing what was happening with Lyndi actually took our minds off of other family health issues AND the stress of being jerked around with the first house. The stress of trying to buy the first house was a huge blessing because the price of the house we did buy didn't go down until after we walked away from the other one.

Through all of our trials... we still are walking away from this year with so much more then we ever had. We love each other so much more and our testimonies of tithing and the power of prayer are stronger then I can even emphasize. And on top of all that... I have made more friends this year then I ever have. I love my friends all dearly and am so grateful for all of the support and prayers they have offered us in their own homes.

God bless and happy New Years everyone. I hope that 2012 brings more happiness and joy to all of our lives and that we all learn to find the beauty in the dark days as well.

(ps. Sorry the pictures are all old... I'll work on getting some new ones up of our house and baby Grace in this next week hopefully!)
Love Nichole

6 Years... My Cinderella Story

Six years ago my breath caught in my chest as I watched my husband walk around the corner wearing his black tux with a turquoise tie. His hair was gelled and cut short. He slightly blushed as he saw me sitting in the foyer of the temple wearing my bridal gown. Staring at one another we both just smiled. Finally after some prodding from one family member or another we finally took each other's hand and walked to the front doors. We knew what awaited us outside- a horde of loving family and friends ready with camera's.

One. Two. Three.

Pushing the doors open we were enveloped with so much love as we walked outside the temple doors as husband and wife. Flashes and congratulations met us. Overwhelming feelings of awe and wonderment filled me as I smiled at everyone.

"So this is what Cinderella feels like?" I quietly thought to myself.

It was the most amazing experience of my young life. Little did I know that the experiences that left me speechless would continue to stack up as the years Josh and I lived together as husband and wife increased.

******

It amazes me how long six years feels when I look back on it, yet somehow it flew by. Getting ready to give birth to our third child, I feel emotional as I remember all the trials that have brought Josh and I closer together. We have experienced serious disappointments and amazing enjoyments together. From arguments that really are quite comical, to some that didn't feel all that great during the time. From a miscarriage to two live births (thus far); and many dorky moments driving to Taco Bell at midnight before there were any children. Every stage of our life together has been a journey, a journey that is building upon the foundation that was created those precious years ago. The story of Joshua and Nichole Gaertner- married for time and eternity.

I love my husband more today then I that day he blew my breath away in his handsome tux. I never thought it possible with my young naive heart to ever feel more then I did that day. If I were to fast forward to today I would be pleased with how our life together have forged out to be. My heart would fill just at the knowledge that my life goal and dream of being a stay at home mother would be fulfilled. That through the prodding of my husband I would obtain my bachelor's degree and explore with my passion of photography. I am so blessed to have married a man who cherish's my own dreams as much as I do. I am so blessed to have married a man who has goals and dreams that coincide along side mine. I am blessed to have found a companion that just plain puts up with me. :)

And so here I write to my husband and say: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AND I ADORE YOU, HEART AND SOUL. You are my best friend and life long confidant. I thank you for your hard work and dedication to this family and I love you more then I ever thought was imaginable.

You are my Prince Charming- and I will forever be your Cinderella!

Love Nichole (aka Goose... aka Nikki-Anni-Hanni!)

Our Journey with Lyndi

Fear of the unknown is generally the type of fear that leaves me numb. Being told one thing after another, not knowing what the truth is creates a fear that no mother should ever have to realize. Altering your own expectations for a life once thought to play out one way to another type of life is a hard adaption for anyone, especially for people who have a hard time with change.

This post is only to document and record a trial that Josh and I went through with this pregnancy so that we can remember the blessings that have come out of it; not to dwell on the sorrow that could have been.

When we had our first ultra sound we were so excited to see our little baby. She's not a very interactive baby so we enjoyed every little movement she did make. Playing shy she kept her knees crossed and turned over into herself making it difficult for the RadTech to find what she needed to find.

Or so we thought.

The radiologist then came in and explained that they need us to return because they couldn't locate the nasal bone. He continued to say that this could be similar to a cleft palate- not a big deal. Just something to be aware of for when she does arrive. Taking it all in stride I cracked a joke saying that if they can fix Michael Jackson's nose I have no worries that Lyndi can't be made whole. The RadTech smiled and said she wasn't really sure if there was anything that could be done about a missing nasal bone, but to not worry.

During the drive home a few tears slipped from my eyes. Concern and not fully understanding what was being said to me weighed heavily on my heart. Trying to push all thoughts out of my mind I waited until the next morning to "GOOGLE" what a missing nasal bone was linked to and what it could look like.

That was my first realization that Lyndi could potentially have Down's Syndrome.

My QUAD test came back that next morning and I was informed not to worry, but wasn't given any actual numbers. Two weeks left until the next ultra sound.

When we came in for our second ultra sound we were ecstatic to learn that they could find a nasal bone, however it wasn't definitive as to if it were shortened or not. Pushing all thoughts aside, finding comfort in what we did know I came home and called all family to announce that Lyndi would be fine.

Now I want you to understand that Josh and I had come to terms with the idea that we would be choice parents of a very special spirit. It was scary as the unknown always is and there were many tears of mourning for what we had dreamed of for this child. But there was also a completely new love and compassion that I never had before too. Two weeks of not knowing shaped me and prepared me for what was going to be told to me later that evening.

After I got off the phone with my sister-in-law I received a phone call that I wish I had never answered. It appeared as if Lyndi had developed two choroid plexus cysts in her left lobe. (Now you have to realize that some of this information isn't actually accurate. So much of what we had to deal with and try to understand was due to human error. Cori plexus cysts actually occur in a spot center of the brain where there actually isn't ANY brain matter... hindsight is worth 20/20 right?) With the phone to my ear, I sat quickly down as the nurse described this could be due to chromosomal abnormalities- such as Down's Syndrome... or something worse. And then she asked me if I would like to see a specialist or schedule another ultra sound. I opted for the specialist.

Now remember. We have come to terms that our beautiful daughter may be a very special spirit that will forever be innocent. What we hadn't come to terms with is the chance that we may never get the chance to hold her and look into her sweet eyes.

I called my best friend hysterical. What was this joke? How could we have JUST learned that she is going to be fine to we could potentially lose her? My Relief Society president came over immediately and let me cry and talk to her. Her presence alone gave me so much comfort. Her faith and her own experiences soothed my soul.

That night Josh held me in his arms as we cried ourselves to sleep. The next month was full of many prayers. I constantly had a prayer in my heart and on my lips. I felt like a zombie but was told by my friend that she thought I was handling everything really well. Josh and I started feeling Lyndi more and would hold my stomach laughing as she would try to squirm away from the pressure of our hands. The Lord's spirit was strong in our home and we could feel that there was a reason for this trial. That we would come out on top no matter the conclusion.

Finally. Time for our next ultra sound with the perinatal specialist. It was at this appointment where we learned that Down's Syndrome was never actually the concern with Lyndi- it was Trisomy 18. I had never heard of this before. The specialist then continued to explain that if she were to have Trisomy 18 (aka Edward's Syndrome) there was a large chance she would never grow to term. Even if she were to make it to her birth the average life expectancy of children born with this is 5-15 days. Only 1% make it to age 10.

This was HORRIFYING news, however I felt SO grateful to have been ignorant to the truth. The specialist then tried to reassure us and explain that we appear to be low risk, however there are still some tests that need to be run. We scheduled another ultra sound.

Another month of waiting.

Another month of pondering.

And another month of loving and adoring every little thing we could about this little baby inside me.

The miraculous thing about this experience is how close I feel it brought me and Josh to one another, and the Lord. I have learned patience, and adoration for the two little children that I already have. I have learned that I am A LOT stronger than I ever knew. I have matured, testified, and hopefully lived the way our Heavenly Father would applaud. I stopped listening to the radio and began listening to the christian channel (it's okay to laugh here... I did embrace my more dorky side! haha!). And even sang "our god is an awesome god" at the top of my lungs a few... hundred times.

I was full of peace.

I have never fallen in love with a person or a child that I haven't actually ever met as often as I have with this little girl growing in my womb. She is perfect and she is and will always be amazing. We had our last ultra sound yesterday and were finally told everything that had pointed towards Trisomy 18.

*Apparently Lyndi's diaphragm had never been located.

*They believed her to have a heart defect in one of her ventricles because of the pattern of her blood flow.

*Her hands were difficult to capture, and with Trisomy 18 how the child holds her hands is very indicative to the abnormality.

*And they were concerned about her kidney's.

Either Heavenly Father decided to step in with the first appointment with the specialist and help direct that conversation AWAY from all of these issues, or that perinatal specialist could see the pain and fear behind my eyes- what ever it was I am THANKFUL and GRATEFUL and ever so happy they never told me any of these concerns. I truly believe that there was a lesson in this trial for both me and my entire family, but that lesson did not include a broken heart and a mental break down. Instead I strongly believe it included faith, trust, compassion, and patience.

So to conclude this testimony and record of what Lyndi's journey to this life has brought to our family I am pleased to say that yesterday's news was much happier.

For the first time in this entire pregnancy I finally heard the words every mother YEARNS to hear, "It appears as if you have a healthy baby girl."

My prayers have been answered and my testimony is a rock. Miracles do happen and our Heavenly Father knows and LOVES us. He does not give us what we can not handle and because of our trials we grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Josh and I reached the top of our mountain and we did it together. I look forward to the rest of this downward slope together... while holding the hands or all three of our precious little children.

Love Nichole.

Dear Lyndi,

I adore you. I can not wait to hold you and smell your hair. I can not wait to look into your eyes and hold your little hand. I look forward to your first cry and feeling your warm body against mine. I can't wait to just be your mommy and to bring you home with me to meet your family. You have a big brother and a big sister who kiss you every day. You will be spoiled and loved and I hope you feel this inside me. I hope the rest of your journey is full of beauty and strength because you sweet girl, deserve it.

LOVE,

Your Mommy!

The Love of a Mother...

Well I am finally sitting down to write down a little bit about what has been going on. I still would like to keep some of our worry private but I can not just sit here and think with out trying to sort through my feelings.

I am torn.

Our last ultra sound we had a slight worry that escalated until we had another this morning. We were told that everything with baby was moving along great and what we thought may be missing was not. It was a happy morning full of relief and joy.

And then I got a phone call.

Apparently everything we worried about is still a concern- however it could be something more dramatic OR nothing at all.

We just don't know... and that's the part that is tearing me up.

I have this feeling of sadness that just won't leave my chest. I already feel as if I KNOW this little baby girl and my ideas about how our life will be continue to change. I'm okay with the change- come what may and love it. It's limbo. I feel like so many aspects of our life are in limbo right now. The house (which we've decided to walk away from, it's just a matter of doing the paperwork now but there isn't any hurry), my parent's health, and now this little girl.

My mom tells me daily that this is a trial but to keep my faith because everything will be okay, and I KNOW in my heart that it will. It is amazing how much my testimony has grown during these last six months and how frequently I feel the

Lord's arms wrapped around me in the comfort of the Spirit. There is a purpose and I know we are supposed to be facing these trials right now, but my heart still aches.

So I pray for my beautiful little daughter that I hope to meet when the time comes. I pray for comfort and for peace. And mostly, I pray for the wisdom to understand all that may or may not befall us.

LINDY MARIE 20 weeks

Love mommy

Please remember this is a sensitive time for me right now, comments of support and comfort are encouraged; however please refrain from analyzing our ultra sound and sharing information that could cause more worries. Thank you! :)

An Entire Horde of Happy Posts...

I have decided that I need to stop focusing on all the negative (and yet still exciting) aspects of my life. I have so much to be happy and grateful for so I thought I'd put up a couple of posts full of the people that make me the most happy in my life. You will have to excuse the photography and try not to judge my skills too harshly since these were more spur of the moment memory pictures for me.

My daughter turned two and we went to Denny's for lunch and then a park with water and a beach afterward. It was so much fun, and both kids had a blast! I wasn't feeling too well but I tried to keep up a happy face for my little girl on her big day.

Aiden was even super excited because he got a brand new water bottle with a football on it. It's the little things that make my kiddo's so happy. Perhaps I should take some lessons, eh? :)

My pregnancy has been extremely hard this time around. I tend to have hard pregnancies- but this just feels different. I am now 16 weeks and will set up my ultra sound in three weeks at my next doctors appointment. Yes we will ask to know what it is... but we aren't rooting for either gender at this point. What ever this little bean monster decides to be will be exciting!

I think Aiden is starting to understand that mommy has a baby in her belly because he has become quite the little "daddy" himself. He carries "babies" around with him everywhere he goes and takes great care of them. He even is helping Shaylee try to become a better mommy. At this point she gets frustrated and throws her baby across the room and storms off. Aiden is being quite patient with her! HAHA! :) It really warms my heart.

Today is the day we decide to walk or not on the house. I haven't heard back on the title "amendment" we have asked for. If they don't agree to a title amendment giving us more time on the inspection then we will kiss the home goodbye. We don't see the point in shelling out money for an inspection on a house that may never get a cleared title anyway. I have been stressed about it in the past... but today I actually woke up with a calm. I decided to lay it in the Lord's hands. I have a hard time with this sometimes and it takes me awhile to hand my problems over, but I finally humbled myself enough to do so. At this point there isn't any more Josh and I can do... so we wait... some more. But that's okay now. I'm waiting with a calm.

Anyway- I hope you enjoy the pictures because the next three posts down are all new too!

Love Nichole

To Be... Or NOT To Be (our house?)

For the last month we have been playing a vicious game of yo-yo and cat and mouse. We found the most beautiful home and were AMAZED to find out it was in our price range. Although we were approved for more, we were adamant with ourselves and our Realtor we would not go over a specific price point so that we have some breathing room. Needless to say, when we saw this home our jaws dropped and our hearts leaped. Could this be our home???

It really is a BEAUTIFUL home; inside and out. It's 1696 sqare feet with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 baths. The pictures I have to show you (stolen of course from the listing!) only show two bathrooms and part of the house but they do the job. The master suite is huge, as is the second bedroom. Since we have our third baby due in February having a large second room is a must since two children will always share in this home. There is a laundry room and a two car garage as well. And the backyard is 2/3rds larger than the picture shows... enough room for my kids to actually be kids.

Pictures:::

Now don't think this is too good to be true... because the truth is we have been going through quite the drama since we decided to bid on it. Once we decided to bid we have been sitting on egg shells waiting to hear back from either Realtor or lender. We offered asking price and were informed that there were multiple bids going on at the time. We also were told we were very competitive but we would have to wait. A week later at 8 am. I got a call that made me cry. REMEMBER- I'm pregnant. HAHA!

We won the bid.

During the bid war we were informed that there may be a title issue; were we still interested? After conferring with my father and through lots of prayer we decided that yes... it was okay. If it was a big deal we'd make the final decision once we knew. After that we were assured through the listing agent that the title issue had been resolved. Still treading carefully we ended up firing a lender and finding another lender- WHO IS BOMB BY THE WAY!!!- who did finally drudge up some misery on our end.

The home is a townhouse and was listed as such; however, the public property tax records list it as a condo. (My husband and I did some digging around on the unit.) Bringing this question up with my new lender we have found that that is part of the title issue that was "resolved." Quotes because it's still in the air. Now we have to figure out if there are HOA dues which we can't find ANYWHERE since the contractor went out of business. And... worst case scenario I came across from all my snooping today... the parcel numbers between the two units were confused years ago. So apparently we are buying the neighbors house according to the records.

GREAT SCOTT!

That is a HUGE mistake?

How does one work in any part of the taxing/ property/ housing market and NOT catch that? How was this mistake EVER made???

That said- we ARE currently under contract... but we may have to make a decision shortly on if we walk from this beautiful move-in ready home, or move on and continue our hunt.

Praying and fasting will be going on in this home and I know it will all work out the way that will work best for our family. I just hope that this mess gets resolved before the woman that owns the other unit decides burning both units would be in her best interest! HAHA! *JUST KIDDING!*

Wish us luck! And let me know what you think???